Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Breaking promises...

I promised myself that I wouldn't get personal on here, but maybe it's just the season?  I've been single for 7 months now.  Most people would just say, "yeah? so what, I've been single for I dont know how long..."  WELL, just so everyone who reads this knows, this has been the longest I've been single since I was somewhere in high school - like 15 years old.  That's TEN years.  It was a lot of time committed to two different guys who are now with other people.  One is married and has an adorable little kid.  I'm actually really pumped for him.  Through this last breakup with guy number two, I realized how happy I am for guy number one to be with who he's with.  Sounds weird right?  :)  I don't have too much to comment on guy number 2.  He was great, it was great while it lasted, but it went on for longer than it should have, and I'm still in the healing process of that.  I wasn't treated great for about the last 9 months to a year of the relationship... not going to say that terrible actions didn't go both ways, but some things shouldn't have been said.  Some things shouldn't have been carried out.  Although, thinking about the comparison, guy number 1 didn't end so swell either, but I'm still happy for him.

All this time "alone" has made me do a lot of thinking.  Guy number 2 wanted to be single and figure himself out and learn to depend on himself.  I suppose he accomplished this very quickly since he was in another relationship within 3-4 months.  That news I think destroyed me a little more than the breakup itself.  Guy number 2 told me I should really find myself.  I wasn't aware that I had lost myself.  I really felt at the time like I knew who I was.  I liked to knit, I liked to craft.  I love making people laugh, and I love childish things.  I know these things about me.  So what does it mean to find oneself.  Or to know oneself.  Do I have to take one of those quizzes I'd find in Cosmo girl back in Junior High?  Would really knowing what lipstick color I'd wear solve all of these problems?  I mean, 9 times out of 10 I already knew what my outcome will be.  But where's the magazine with my future in it so I can take the quiz of which hot guy will I end up with and give me three choices at the end where I already know the answer?  But why am I always so consumed with wanting to be with the opposite sex?  Is that the point I'm suppose to learn from guy number 2?  Who is he to give me a life lesson?  At this point my friends would question why I keep bringing up guy number 2.  I ask myself that too.  As much as I don't want to admit it.  I learned something from guy number 2.  I learned that I don't have to be in a relationship to go see the new movie.  I can buy my own ticket and my own popcorn.  I can take myself to the local pizza joint and eat my spaghetti with 1-2 meatballs.  And I can do it all on my own.  No one else around.  I've really taken in what it's like to be single in my adult life.  Partly because I am single in my adult life, and partly because I rise to the challenge of, "What can I do today by myself?"

But then it still comes down to, why am I consumed with wanting to be with someone?  I think the answer is simple.  I'm a loving person, and I just want someone to love.  I daydream the same scenario with the guy of the moment all the time.  And the outcome is always the same.  I'm just in love with ___________.  In love with the idea of being in love.  Is that so wrong though?  I don't think so.  Who would want to be the opposite?  What is that?  In love with the idea of not being in love?  In hate of the idea of being in love?  Can't be 'in hate of not being in love' - that is technically the same.  Although, I know people who are resilient of the idea.  I believe that being in love in the past, knowing that feeling, just makes me want it again.  I try not to fear it.  And as much as I really do enjoy my time alone, and not needing to coordinate or "report" to someone, I look forward to spending my lazy days with Mr. Wonderful.  And maybe guy number 3? ;)

Once Christmas happens I plan on posting my Christmas gifts.  That I made of course. :)